The honest truth is that since I bought a Monty Python boxset containing pretty much everything Python (except the latest documentary, "Everything but the Truth") I became completely uninterested in making humor. Even though I've never been particularly good at it, after watching the whole of Flying Circus I became convinced that I shouldn't even try it.
I'll probably only write boring stuff about IT from now on. Cheers!
Edit: And I haven't even watched everything yet!
03/12/2009
28/09/2009
Stuff that Sucks about Black Metal: Part 4 - LARPers
Lord Rob Darken, the Uncool - Voivod of DouchelandLet the picture above set the tone for this article.
The idiot on the picture above is Rob Darken (more like Rab Dorken, am I rite?), founding member of Polish band Graveland - as well as tons of other redundant side projects - and Internet attention whore. There isn't much to say about the picture above that isn't already there, only that Dorken's band, Graveland, is one of the most influential Black Metal bands from Eastern Europe - last time I checked. Many years ago.
Eastern European bands are noteworthy for being uneducated nazi simpletons with not as much talent for music as for theatrics and shock value. True to the region's tradition of being the World's favourite garbage dump, most of these bands don't take themselves too seriously and more often than not are unmaintained one-man-bands. Still, others are quite passionate about their - absolutely irrelevant - little musical acts, but I digress.
The only reason why I decided to pick on these albino apes is because they have a well known tradition of LARPing - the topic of this article. There are also the goth vampire LARPers, but to make this article as succinct as possible, I'll only make fun talk about the sword & sorcery types.
LARP, for you non-nerd types, stands for Live Action Role Playing, and is the aspie version of traditional pen and paper RPG's. Why adults will dress up as fantasy characters and play around with swords and shields is the subject of many boring-ass debates and flame wars, and I won't touch the subject here.
There really isn't much to say about the subject, so I'll just throw in some actual pictures of Black Metal bands for some kicks. Note that the definition of band in this context is quite broad, since most of these guys are just hopeless basement-dwellers.
Discalimer: I've searched some keywords on Metal Archives and collected the shitfest bellow, so these pictures must be at least partially legit.
I bet at least one of these dipshits plays the flute.
Braveheart Cosplay. 
Beware of the nazi Grim Reaper.
Nice skirt, faggot. I'm sure Hitler would approve this.
Believe it or not, these girly shirts are very popular among Black Metal LARPers.
More like Lord Moonfag, am I right?
I am Maximus Ridiculus. Gladiator and professional asshat.
Mom forgot to pay the bills. I can't play World of Warcraft now. =(
I told you these shirts are popular.
By the powers of Grayskull, I am She-Ra!
Birdman and his sidekick Avenger during their faggoth phase. And what is it with the skirts?
"Although there are no visible signs of combat, I killed over 17 million people with my sword today. No, really." Also, note the damn shirt.
"Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person!"
These raincoats are very popular, too.
If I see that damn shirt again...
Furry Metal. How much worse can it get?
Note the Dhalsim cosplayer at the top.
Hey mom, do we look medieval enough?
It must rain a lot in Homogard.
That shirt. Again. Enough of this crap already.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."See? How could I have possibly said anything to prove my point that these pictures didn't show better?
I rest my case. Until next chapter, homos!
I rest my case. Until next chapter, homos!
Stuff that Sucks about Black Metal: Part 3 - Pseudointellectuals
Here we see Lord Suckalot seeking inspiration for his new lyricsWhenever I want to clarify my mind on subjects such as the meaning of life, the theory of evolution, politics, religion, post-modern philosophy or just amuse myself with literary genius, guess what I do?
Yeah, you got that one right: I listen to Black Metal.
Some time during the late 90's some Black Metal bands became dellusional, and started to fantasize about being the most influential think tanks ever to have walked this Earth. In their little fantasy world, Metal music was the single most reliable medium to spread Nietzsche's ideas - even though they got them all wrong.
Seriously. How many times have you seen the word 'nihil' or any of its derivatives being promoted by Black Metal bands as being the one concept and state of mind to demote everything else? It's really silly how these bands have purportedly incorporated the ideas of Freddy Nietzsche into their lyrics, when they hold the concept he fought the most as being commendable. The concept has many definitions outside of Nick's philosophy, but these buffoons aren't fooling anyone, since they also blatantly praise the Übermensch as if they had already achieved it.
Yeah, you got that one right: I listen to Black Metal.
Some time during the late 90's some Black Metal bands became dellusional, and started to fantasize about being the most influential think tanks ever to have walked this Earth. In their little fantasy world, Metal music was the single most reliable medium to spread Nietzsche's ideas - even though they got them all wrong.
Seriously. How many times have you seen the word 'nihil' or any of its derivatives being promoted by Black Metal bands as being the one concept and state of mind to demote everything else? It's really silly how these bands have purportedly incorporated the ideas of Freddy Nietzsche into their lyrics, when they hold the concept he fought the most as being commendable. The concept has many definitions outside of Nick's philosophy, but these buffoons aren't fooling anyone, since they also blatantly praise the Übermensch as if they had already achieved it.
This man is the pinnacle of human enlightenment, and you should hear what he has to say.
On a rather unsurprising anecdote, Niklas Olsson Kvarforth, the attention whore pictured above, explains how his band, Shining, has opted for their name: it means "the path to enlightenment".
And if you want further proof of everything I've said on this and the previous chapters, check this out.
Stuff that sucks about Black Metal: Part 2 - Watered-down Satanism
Back in the old days, Black Metal bands weren't ashamed of glorifying Satan, evil and illegal practices. Heck, the Black in Black Metal certainly isn't there to denote the bands' ethnicity, right? Well, most of the bands were true to the origins of Black Metal and instead of just borrowing its aesthetics and writing lyrics about being lonely and depressed, their themes were entirely satanic and awesome.
But then, at some point, even the bands of old gave up their original ideas and themes to favor a more 'sophisticated' approach. Instead of talking shit from out of my ass, I'll use the very popular band Mayhem and its progressive chickening-out to exemplify this idea.
Let's take a quick look at the lyrics of Mayhem's Deathcrush, one of their earliest songs:
But then, at some point, even the bands of old gave up their original ideas and themes to favor a more 'sophisticated' approach. Instead of talking shit from out of my ass, I'll use the very popular band Mayhem and its progressive chickening-out to exemplify this idea.
Let's take a quick look at the lyrics of Mayhem's Deathcrush, one of their earliest songs:
"Demonic laughter your cremation
Your lungs gasp for air but are filled with blood
A sudden crack as I crushed your skull"
Nasty, evil and antisocial. Awesome, right?
Now, let us inspect the lyrics of one of their most popular songs, Freezing Moon:
A few suicides and homicides later, let's forward in time to 1997, when Mayhem released their Wolf's Lair Abyss EP; now with Blasphemer handling guitar duties and that overrated faggot Maniac back on the band's line up. Here are the lyrics for the EP's second track, I am thy Labyrinth (note the pretentious use of archaic English):
"They speak...
In the garden of the prophet
Divine madness...
The order of the cosmic immoral
For what is humanity
If not forlorn
And crawling to my hands
When the moment sings
For I have read the signs
And I have solved the riddle
of eternal life
The Jinnah have spoken
For I have read the signs
And I have solved the riddle
of eternal life..."
This isn't satanic. This isn't evil. This isn't chaotic. This shit doesn't even make any fucking sense. You'd think a band called Mayhem would have pretty nasty lyrics, right? But that's how all of their lyrics have been since Maniac's return. Artsy faggotry.
It's not like you can expect much from a faggot who likes to cut himself and play cave explorer with other men. But in all honesty, what sense does it make to use a pseudonym like Maniac, play in a Black Metal band called Mayhem, throw pig heads at the audience and write lyrics that are about as offensive as a François Truffaut film?
This guy thought the lyrics for I Am thy Labyrinth were deep and inspired.
This trend has taken over most Black Metal bands, and has been pretty much the standard for most new bands - especially the Scandinavian ones. They could call themselves Art Metal, Surreal Metal or Nonsense Metal and it'd be much more accurate than calling themselves Black Metal.
I won't mention any of Mayhem's releases that followed Wolf's Lair Abyss, because quite frankly, they're even more watered-down than Wolf's was. Stuff like A Grand Declaration of War will be the subject of my next chapter: Stuff that sucks about Black Metal: Part 3: Pseudo-Intellectuals.
Until then, don't listen to anything Mayhem has put out after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, because Satan will bitch-slap you if you do.
Your lungs gasp for air but are filled with blood
A sudden crack as I crushed your skull"
Nasty, evil and antisocial. Awesome, right?
Now, let us inspect the lyrics of one of their most popular songs, Freezing Moon:
"I Remember It Was Here I Died
By Following The Freezing Moon
It's Night Again, Night You Beautiful
I Please My Hunger, On Living Humans"
By Following The Freezing Moon
It's Night Again, Night You Beautiful
I Please My Hunger, On Living Humans"
One can clearly observe that Mayhem tried to sound more poetic than chaotic and failed horribly at that. There's the "I please my hunger, on living humans" part and that's about it for evil and antisocial imagery. Also, this sounds way too vampiric, and we all know only goths dig vampires.
Euronymous used to think the Moon was pretty evil.
Euronymous used to think the Moon was pretty evil.A few suicides and homicides later, let's forward in time to 1997, when Mayhem released their Wolf's Lair Abyss EP; now with Blasphemer handling guitar duties and that overrated faggot Maniac back on the band's line up. Here are the lyrics for the EP's second track, I am thy Labyrinth (note the pretentious use of archaic English):
"They speak...
In the garden of the prophet
Divine madness...
The order of the cosmic immoral
For what is humanity
If not forlorn
And crawling to my hands
When the moment sings
For I have read the signs
And I have solved the riddle
of eternal life
The Jinnah have spoken
For I have read the signs
And I have solved the riddle
of eternal life..."
This isn't satanic. This isn't evil. This isn't chaotic. This shit doesn't even make any fucking sense. You'd think a band called Mayhem would have pretty nasty lyrics, right? But that's how all of their lyrics have been since Maniac's return. Artsy faggotry.
It's not like you can expect much from a faggot who likes to cut himself and play cave explorer with other men. But in all honesty, what sense does it make to use a pseudonym like Maniac, play in a Black Metal band called Mayhem, throw pig heads at the audience and write lyrics that are about as offensive as a François Truffaut film?
This guy thought the lyrics for I Am thy Labyrinth were deep and inspired.This trend has taken over most Black Metal bands, and has been pretty much the standard for most new bands - especially the Scandinavian ones. They could call themselves Art Metal, Surreal Metal or Nonsense Metal and it'd be much more accurate than calling themselves Black Metal.
I won't mention any of Mayhem's releases that followed Wolf's Lair Abyss, because quite frankly, they're even more watered-down than Wolf's was. Stuff like A Grand Declaration of War will be the subject of my next chapter: Stuff that sucks about Black Metal: Part 3: Pseudo-Intellectuals.
Until then, don't listen to anything Mayhem has put out after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, because Satan will bitch-slap you if you do.
Stuff that sucks about Black Metal: Part 1 - Forests
Hello, faggots. I'm here today to write about some of the things that suck the most about the - oh, so venerable - Black Metal.
I'll serialize this theme into a series of articles to make them shorter and easier to read. Although I shouldn't do that, and make everything harder and shittier instead.
I'm going to try to avoid the obvious, such as Immortal, Immortal's videoclips - and every other Black Metal video for that matter, nazi metalheads, poor musicianship, low production values, etc. Also, this isn't a Top 10 type of article, so don't expect the order in which my rants are listed to be of any importance.
Onto the list:
Sissy Nature-themed Black Metal
So, you and your nerd friends form a Black Metal band. You guys spend 15 minutes on the Net googling a badass name for you band, which will probably end up being the name of some ancient demon, Tolkien creature or D&D monster. You spend another 45 minutes writing 30 17-minute long songs. You take hundreds of pictures of your skinny, uninteresting personas in all your corpse-painted glory.
Naturally, the next step is to write lyrics for your dozens of new songs, because there's no such thing as instrumental Black Metal - and you guys probably suck so much at playing your instruments to even attempt to do something like that. Since you chose to play Evil, Satanic Metal, nothing could be more adequate than writing lyrics about forests, mountains, the moon or some lake. Right?
Not pictured above: Evil and Satanism
I can only think of forests being nasty and evil in two different scenarios:
1 - You rape, kill, eat and then bury people on a forest, because nobody will be there to witness the act.
2 - Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2.
Unfortunately, that's not what these pastoral Black Metal bands write about. They're gonna ramble about how the forests are dark, cold, beautiful and lots of other less-than-evil shit. If the lyrics weren't written in a ridiculously grandiloquent style, they'd fit most nature-themed hippie
songs.
Here's how you can write evil and Satanic lyrics that still have forests in them:
"I'll take your sorry ass to the nearby woods,
I'll gut you, rape you, tea-bag you
and offer your body to almighty Satan,
and set the forest on fire
Then I'll do the same thing to your mother at some other forest"
Still not pictured above: Evil and Satanism
It doesn't matter which adjectives you use and it doesn't matter whatever sort of Tolkienesque symbology you associate with forests: if you're in a Satanic Metal band, you should be talking about setting forests on fire and killing everything that lives on them, not about how you love them, you Green Peace-loving furry douchebag.
I'll serialize this theme into a series of articles to make them shorter and easier to read. Although I shouldn't do that, and make everything harder and shittier instead.
I'm going to try to avoid the obvious, such as Immortal, Immortal's videoclips - and every other Black Metal video for that matter, nazi metalheads, poor musicianship, low production values, etc. Also, this isn't a Top 10 type of article, so don't expect the order in which my rants are listed to be of any importance.
Onto the list:
Sissy Nature-themed Black Metal
So, you and your nerd friends form a Black Metal band. You guys spend 15 minutes on the Net googling a badass name for you band, which will probably end up being the name of some ancient demon, Tolkien creature or D&D monster. You spend another 45 minutes writing 30 17-minute long songs. You take hundreds of pictures of your skinny, uninteresting personas in all your corpse-painted glory.
Naturally, the next step is to write lyrics for your dozens of new songs, because there's no such thing as instrumental Black Metal - and you guys probably suck so much at playing your instruments to even attempt to do something like that. Since you chose to play Evil, Satanic Metal, nothing could be more adequate than writing lyrics about forests, mountains, the moon or some lake. Right?
Not pictured above: Evil and SatanismI can only think of forests being nasty and evil in two different scenarios:
1 - You rape, kill, eat and then bury people on a forest, because nobody will be there to witness the act.
2 - Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2.
Unfortunately, that's not what these pastoral Black Metal bands write about. They're gonna ramble about how the forests are dark, cold, beautiful and lots of other less-than-evil shit. If the lyrics weren't written in a ridiculously grandiloquent style, they'd fit most nature-themed hippie
songs.
Here's how you can write evil and Satanic lyrics that still have forests in them:
"I'll take your sorry ass to the nearby woods,
I'll gut you, rape you, tea-bag you
and offer your body to almighty Satan,
and set the forest on fire
Then I'll do the same thing to your mother at some other forest"
Still not pictured above: Evil and SatanismIt doesn't matter which adjectives you use and it doesn't matter whatever sort of Tolkienesque symbology you associate with forests: if you're in a Satanic Metal band, you should be talking about setting forests on fire and killing everything that lives on them, not about how you love them, you Green Peace-loving furry douchebag.
22/04/2009
Is this field really necessary?
So, it was my birthday some other day. As usual, I hadn't slept the night before, so it was pretty much like the previous day, except the hours seemed to last an unhealthy lot more. Again, as usual, I opened the window - it was about 7am - and said out loud:
"Whoa, the outside world! What a shitpile!"
"Whoa, the outside world! What a shitpile!"
20/04/2009
Internet License
It's not another piss poor atempt at humor when I say that people should have a license to use the Internet. You should prove yourself worthy of using a public IP address - at least without supervision from someone who's authorized to do it. Honestly, I'm sick of reckless users causing havok whenever they think that some mysterious stranger has compromising information regarding their lives. Seriously, what the fuck?
Assinar:
Postagens (Atom)
